


Saggy Runts

by MagicTrashCan



Category: British Actor RPF, Real Person Fiction, Tom Hiddleston Fandom
Genre: F/M, Tattoos, have some silly fluff, i had to immortalize it, my favorite dinguses, the RADA days, these two share one brain cell and that brain cell takes a vacation when they're drinking, this is based on a truly WILD dream Ii had so of course
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-08
Updated: 2019-10-08
Packaged: 2020-11-27 15:24:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20950622
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MagicTrashCan/pseuds/MagicTrashCan
Summary: Tom and Mel go on a bender and make a few Truly Monumental and Permanent mistakes.





	Saggy Runts

**Author's Note:**

> CW: Vague description of genitals.
> 
> For anyone unfamilar: Mel is my OC from my other fic, Codename: Hammer.
> 
> Shout out to my friend for letting me a) yell at him about Tom 24/7, and b) Not Discouraging Me from writing this trash fire.

The sun burned against Mel’s eyes as she slowly came to consciousness. She blinked against the brightness and noticed she was only in her underwear, half covered by deep maroon sheets.  _ Jesus… _ She turned and Tom lay next to her, still sleeping as the light wasn’t quite in his face.

_ I’m going to kill him. _

Mel stood and clutched her head and staggered her way to the bathroom, and to the medicine cabinet within it. She dumped 5 pills into her hand and, upon realizing Tom had absolutely no clean cups in his bathroom, chased them down by sticking her head directly under the faucet. Once she finished, she wiped her mouth and went back to the bedroom, yanking the curtain open the rest of the way with a flourish and relishing the groans of pain as Tom shrunk back from the light.

“Good morning, sunshine,” she cooed.

“I will end your life, so help me god.”

“I would be surprised if you could even stand right now, let alone kill me.”

Tom buried his face in a pillow and waved a dismissive hand at her.

“Don’t be cross with  _ me _ . It was your idea to stay out.”

He didn’t move.

Mel rolled her eyes. “Right. Well, I’m going scavenging in your kitchen for some breakfast.” She turned away and scratched at an itch under her boob absently, but was met with a sharp sting that caused her to scream. “What the fuck?” She ran to the bathroom and lifted her shirt, still in sight of the bed.  _ Not like he hasn’t seen it before _ . She lifted her boob as well and gasped out a yelp, barely containing another scream. In small print, all caps letters, the word  _ SAGGY _ was tattooed right at the crease of her breast and ribcage. “What the  _ fuck _ ?”

“ _ Must _ you be so loud?” Tom called out. He was now sitting upright, his lower half still covered in the sheet, and rubbing his eyes. Mel turned on him, mouth gaping, and he nearly jumped at the sight of her. “Um…”

“Oh, stop.” She waved off his look and marched over to him, still holding her boob up. “Look at this!”

Tom squinted for all of a moment before he was cackling with laughter. Mel dropped her boob and shoved him back into the bed.

“You let me do this?!”

“I don’t know,” he gasped through his laughter. “I don’t even remember getting here, let alone  _ that _ .” He continued cackling.

Mel, to her credit, didn’t punch him in the face. “You are such a dick.” She stormed off into the kitchen, calling over her shoulder, “And I will  _ never _ forgive this.”

“Come on, Mel,” he whined after her, though he hadn’t risen from the bed and laughter was still lacing the words. “It’s not that–” He screamed and didn’t finish the sentence.

Mel ran back in to find Tom lying totally naked and uncovered on the bed and clutching his genitals.

“What the fuck happened?”

“It stings,” he whined, his hands tightening.

“ _ What _ does?”

Tom lifted one finger from the protective casing and pointed toward his…ass? Mel fought a snort. “There.” He finally looked at her, panicked and imploring. “Will you look at it? Please?”

“Look directly into your asshole? Do you think I’m stupid?”

“ _ No _ , it’s my  _ balls _ .”

Mel did snort then, and Tom nearly silenced her with the glare he gave her. “Fine, fine. Roll over, and like…get into position, I guess. And Thomas if your fart on me I swear on the  _ Queen _ –”

“I would never!”

“Just roll over!”

He did as she bid, arching his back and spreading his legs so she might have a decent view.  _ So much for our boundaries _ . Mel leaned in to inspect the afflicted area to find that a matching small, black, all caps text read  _ RUNTS _ underneath his balls.

Mel collapsed on the floor with laughter.

“What? What? What is it?” He flung himself back upright, looking at her with something between a glare and desperation.

“The bad news is,” she gasped between fits of giggles, “is we have matching tattoos, except yours says RUNTS.” Laughter choked her for a few more minutes and Tom only stared at her, pale as a sheet. “But the good news is, mine isn’t as bad as yours.”

“Oh dear god,” he breathed.

“There goes your stellar reputation,” Mel sang at him.

At this, Tom launched himself off the bed and tackled her, only making her laugh harder as she fought against him.

“I’ll make you pay for this,” he growled in her ear as they struggled.

“This is your fault too, you prat!”

Eventually, after far too much wrestling than either of them should be doing both at their age  _ and _ with a hangover, they laid on the floor next to each other staring at the ceiling in relative neutrality.

“So…” Mel started. “We’re never telling anyone about this, right?”

“Right.”

**Author's Note:**

> LITERALLY this was just a dream I had but of course, I am insufferable, and had to make it canon with these dinguses. Did anyone try and stop me? No. Should they have? Probably.
> 
> Anyway, thank you for reading! You are a delight and a treasure and I adore you.
> 
> All comments/kudos/what-have-yous are appreciated ^_^


End file.
